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under mountain, under ground

she simply just didnt want to anymore.
that can be understood, right?
she encouraged one, and the one got better.

everyday was more of a burden and a loss than a feather and a gain.
she hates tradition, that creates a box, and no one likes to be trapped in.
so yes, maybe shes tries to be original, but that doesnt work.
so whats next?

what if she no longer had the means to the end?

you can point out her flaws.
he face is just a paper that you consider blank, you want to fill it in for her.
and sadly, she lets you.

stop writting for her, or she’ll never do it for the right reason.

her motives are off.
she wants to been seen, to be heard, and to be praised.

but what value is your praise, your humor, your tears.

does she care about Him anymore?
does she care if He gets what is rightfully His?

by her actions, it seems not, and by her words it seems even less.

so why try?
why push through this?

maybe because she knows in her heart strings that she will never properly gain from this. but He may.


you’ll be happy and wholesome again

many of my dear friends were baptised this beautiful fall morning. one of them in particular was very special.

Its been over a year since my life lost its earthly meaning and became of eternal value and since I have become a child of God I have had the burden on my heart to be baptised. but my silly little head would tell me things like, no one really cares, or you don’t have to cause you’re saved now and its evident and that’s all that matters.

nope. scripture is very particular about it and I havent followed through obediently as I should have. so I asked my youth pastor tonight if he would do the honor of baptizing me. he said yes. and when I told his wife, my friend Kristin, she started to cry.

but its good, I have been showed what a family is through this church. I have been blessed and honored to be a part of this for a little over a year now, and I still can’t stop thanking them. they didn’t have to love me, some of them knew what I used to be, but they took a chance on me and are my best friends now. crazy eh? I would never have thought that I would be shown so much love by people who barely knew me. what can I say? my words are not adequate right now, they don’t even start to do justice.

I love you family.

I’m starting to see who I am. if this makes any sense then raise your hand.

How fickle my heart
and how woozy my eyes
I struggle to find
any truth in your lies
And now my heart stumbles
on things I don’t know
This weakness I feel
I must finally show

Lend me your hand
and we’ll conquer them all
But lend me your heart
and I’ll just let you fall
Lend me your eyes
I can change what you see
But your soul you must keep,
totally free

In these bodies we will live,
in these bodies we will die
Where you invest your love,
you invest your life
In these bodies we will live,
in these bodies we will die
Where you invest your love,
you invest your life

Awake my soul, awake my soul
Awake my soul
You were made to meet your maker
Awake my soul, awake my soul
Awake my soul
You were made to meet your maker
You were made to meet your maker

{mumford and sons- awake my soul}



what might have been lost

I struggle for want of comfort too often.

I feel as if its ok that I dont want to do something that would make me uncomfortable because Im just a little girl that doesnt have to put herself out there to get hurt. in many ways this is true, and at the same time its not really that good of an excuse.

where is my confidence really? in what I wear? who I spend time with? how good I think my photos are? how cute the people around me are? where I go?

how about this: Job 4:6 “Is not your fear of God your confidence,and the integrity of your ways your hope?”

um….yes. when we lack fear it is detrimental to us. being fearless can cost you your life. there is none more dangerous than God and there is none more wonderful.

must I always seek my own comfort, or shouldnt I rely on Him to take care of that aspect?

yes I lack confidence and I just want to put on my socks and run somewhere I know very well, but in the face of this world, is this really the right direction for me to run? to my comfortable safe zone that is just for me.  this word me  is all I can think of, me and my comfort. I hate it. I pray that I am given Gods heart. His eyes, His heart, His wants, desires, passions. dont let me stay locked up inside my safety circle, please kick me out of it and make me depend on HIS comfort.

i am so sinful that Christ died for me.              

i am so loved that Christ died for me.